Colline (mcollinknight) wrote,
Colline
mcollinknight

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Shaking my Confidence Daily

This is a post for the Scintilla Project. Today's prompt is  1.Talk about a memory triggered by a particular song.

TW: for murder, violence, kidnapping

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I always got my music tastes from my best friend Seahorse, when we were younger (and she, in turn, got hers from her older brother). Linkin Park, Blink182, "teenage boy music." She also got her music from her British father, which meant that around about the same time, Queen and Simon & Garfunkle became our background of choice.

The song "Cecilia," though with a joyful and tinny tune that many - including my whole family - perceive as a happy (or at least jaunty) song, to me now holds negative associations.

Around the same time, towards the end of my stint in public school, a young Toronto girl named Cecilia Zhang was kidnapped. She just went missing. In the same way that my peers and I had, two years earlier, latched onto novels and books about the Holocaust with the kind of morbid fascination and enthralled horror that young children with a fixation have, I read every news article there was about Cecilia Zhang.

We were away from home in the Northern Ontario woods away from "civilization," but my parents still drove out to get the newspaper most days, and the Toronto media was following the story closely: who did her parents know, who did their landlord know, was this some kind of ransom thing, did he come through the window...

Cecilia, you're breaking my heart 
You're shaking my confidence daily 
Oh, Cecilia, I'm down on my knees 
I'm begging you please to come home 


They eventually found Cecilia Zhang's body - after a certain amount of time, neither my parents nor the newspapers seemed to believe they would find her alive.

Jubilation, she loves me again, 
I fall on the floor and I'm laughing, 
Jubilation, she loves me again, 
I fall on the floor and I'm laughing


I remember this case in particular - there have been other cases since, and surely it wasn't the first time I had heard of things like this happening. But this was one of my first introductions to human cruelty and horror on an individual basis: this wasn't Anne Frank's diary or a huge campaign that happened long before anyone I knew had even been born in countries I hadn't visited yet. This was in Toronto, where my father was from. This was to a little girl, like my little sister. This was something that I didn't know, that I couldn't comprehend, that even the newspapers (because of course I didn't ask my parents) were afraid to lay out in exact terms in the months she was gone (what was happening to her? Why was she kidnapped? Had she been - you know...?).
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsfreak.com/s/simon+and+garfunkel/cecilia_20124635.html ] 
Making love in the afternoon with Cecilia 
Up in my bedroom (making love) 
I got up to wash my face 
When I come back to bed 
Someone's taken my place


I was 13, already trying to consider myself a grown-up (or at least a teenager, which is basically the same thing, *god*) sitting there on a screened-in birch porch with the Globe and Mail, having absolutely no idea what to think about human beings. About her parents, so scared and confused, just wanting her back. (About a reporter I heard on CBC speculating about whether her parents had drug debts they couldn't pay.) About just who the abductor was - was he older, a monster, was this what he did, had he done it before? Or was he a petrified Chinese college student wanting to stay in Canada who involved a little girl in his own problems? I didn't know what to think, but when Seahorse welcomed me back home and slid Simon and Garfunkle's Greatest Hits into her father's car stereo, I asked for Blink 182 instead and thumped my legs against the seats.

Hello there, the angel from my nightmare
The shadow in the background of the morgue
The unsuspecting victim of darkness in the valley
We can live like Jack and Sally if we want
Where you can always find me
And we'll have Halloween on Christmas
And in the night we'll wish this never ends
We'll wish this never ends

(I miss you I miss you)
(I miss you I miss you)

Where are you and I'm so sorry
I cannot sleep I cannot dream tonight
I need somebody and always
This sick strange darkness
Comes creeping on so haunting every time
And as I stared I counted
The Webs from all the spiders
Catching things and eating their insides
Like indecision to call you
and hear your voice of treason
Will you come home and stop the pain tonight
Stop this pain tonight

Don't waste your time on me you're already
The voice inside my head (I miss you miss you)
Don't waste your time on me you're already
The voice inside my head (I miss you miss you)

Don't waste your time on me you're already
The voice inside my head (I miss you miss you)
Don't waste your time on me you're already
The voice inside my head (I miss you miss you)
Don't waste your time on me you're already
The voice inside my head (I miss you miss you)
Don't waste your time on me you're already
The voice inside my head (I miss you miss you)

I miss you (miss you miss you) 
(I miss you miss you)

Tags: *sri lanka, childhood, growing up, music, seahorse
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